Below is my narration of this entry. Hope you enjoy.
It’s still dark when I awake from a night of fitful rest, and bad dreams. I get down some food and step outside. My head is feeling clouded, so I go for a walk.
I may have gone to bed feeling a little more optimistic, but visions of my broken body lying forgotten in shadowy ruins have beaten all the optimism out of me. My desire to become a bard is not as strong as my self-preservation. How did I ever believe that I could be anything but a coward? I can’t go into thousand year-old dungeons and fight through undead hoards. I can’t even walk through the streets of Solitude without constantly glancing over my shoulder to make sure nothing is following me. My lifelong dream must end here. At least I have my life, though…but what kind of a life is that? A life devoid of happiness and ambition isn’t much of a life at all. I don’t think I can stay in Solitude anymore. I cant take being constantly reminded of the life I could have had. Come on, Meeko, we don’t belong here anymore.
Following the path away from the city, I take one last look at what I’m giving up. How unfair it all seems. Just yesterday, everything made sense. Now, I’m not so sure.
One thing I was right about yesterday was that I need to train. Whatever I do from this point on, I will need to be stronger. I spy just the perfect training partner for the likes of a coward.
My sparring partner and I square off for the next couple of hours. More like I let the mudcrab attack my shield for a while, then I let it attack me directly, healing myself with a restoration spell. It is very irritating, boring, and slightly painful work, but before I get too bored and finally kill the mudcrab, I feel as if I have gained some valuable training [ I actually do gain a couple of levels ].
I feel a bit better, if only because I haven’t been able to dwell on my decision yet. I’m running low on gold, so I take the opportunity to chop wood for a dude, and when all is said and done, I’ve made over 300 gold. This should help finance my…my – I have no clue what it will finance. My life seems directionless now. What are you supposed to do when your lifelong dream suddenly dies? Nothing. There is nothing left for me to do, so I might as well wander across the land of Skyrim, drifting aimlessly like flotsam in the ocean. This gold will finance my travels.
Skyrim is a dangerous place, and this iron armor is starting to feel a bit out of date. Even though it pains me, I return to Solitude again to try and make a set of steel armor. I only decide to make the armor part of the set, and save the rest of my money.
My new armor does little to protect me against the cold. I stupidly head off into the mountains above Solitude in hopes of finding what, I don’t know. I am forced to come running down off the mountains in search of fire. When I find it, I am almost frozen solid.
For all the talk about self-preservation earlier, you’d think I’d abandoned it just now. It wouldn’t be the first thing I’ve abandoned today. As I’m sitting by the fire listening to it crackle, I get trapped in my own head thinking of all my failures. The noise and light of the fire disappear as I continually get sucked deeper and deeper into the torrential whirlpool of bad memories. I feel as though I’m literally suffocating, but suddenly, I get snapped back to reality. I look around and see that Meeko had been barking and is now looking at me with what I am convinced is concern. I guess I’m not as alone as I thought. For the first time, I am grateful to have Meeko with me. Thanks boy, I needed that. Meeko responds with a happy face and a wagging tail.
After a quick lunch, Meeko and I head out again, this time, in a more prepared fashion. I don’t know where I’m going, but I pick a general direction to follow: west. After a hard day of traveling, we spend the night at a random fishing camp. I explore some around the area and see a sabre cat in the distance. I freeze. luckily it doesn’t appear to have seen me, so I literally walk backwards the entire time back to camp. As is common, it’s still a bit early for bedtime, so I take Meeko and we go explore in the opposite direction from the sabre cat.
It’s a nice peaceful walk. With my newfound appreciation for Meeko, it’s made even better. We climb a rock to gaze into the heavens together. Just a dog and its master. Nothing more.
As you’re noticing, yes, this post is much shorter than normal. I actually did that on purpose to preserve the mood of this first half. And as I said earlier, the second half will be up this coming Wednesday.
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