An Orc’s Life, Part 17: Axetravaganza

Below is my narration for this entry.

 

It may sound silly, but even though I was expecting traps in Dead Men’s Respite, I never once thought there’d be anything as terrifying as this that I’d have to deal with. A swinging death-axe gauntlet? Really?! The pressure plate traps and hordes of undead monsters weren’t enough, so you had to add in this nightmare? How very annoying, and also terrifying. Well, there’s no turning back now. We can’t get back up the hole we jumped down into, so forward through axe hell it is.

As I steel myself for my run across, I have a thought; if I don’t tell Ghorbash and Jenassa to wait here, they’re 100% going to get murdered by these axes as they attempt to obliviously follow me across. I see a chain on the other side that I hope will stop the axes, so I turn around and have a chat with “Jhorbash” to stay put. Alright, guys, if I die horribly to the axes, I have a favor to ask of you – I want both of you to get out alive…so you can go to the Bards College and tell Viarmo to suck it. I turn back around to face the axes, and when the first set of axes is starting to swing away, I book it. Luckily, my orc-y legs don’t fail me, and I pass under unharmed. I am now in the middle of an axe sandwich, though, which is not a particularly pleasant place to find oneself.

Stuck in the Middle with You

♪ Axes to the left of me, axes to the right, here I am ♪

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An Orc’s Life, Part 16: Dead Men’s Respite

Below is my narration for this entry.

 

Hello, Skyrim, it’s me Grawnk. I know we’ve had our differences in the past – I try to avoid adventure altogether, and you constantly sic bandits and wildlife on me every day. I think I understand why you do it though. I feel it must come from a place of tough love. You probably see this scrawny little orc making his way in the world and think to yourself, “I’m going to help that poor orc out by toughening him up the only way I know how: constant and unending harassment.” And believe me, it’s been a real gas, but do you think that for today only you could just tone it down a bit? I swear I won’t ask for anything ever again. Once I finish my impromptu prayer to the Skyrim gods, I laugh to myself. As if Skyrim is ever going to go easy on me. That’s alright though; I’m not as skinny or as helpless as I once was. I will make my way through Dead Men’s Respite, retrieve King Olaf’s Verse, and make it out alive. Skyrim be damned.

The time has come

Prepare to meet your doom, tomb.

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